Disclaimer: It is going to be long.
Do you ever just need a word? Like a word from the Lord? I know I do. I have been in a funk lately. Not feeling far from God or anything just feeling overwhelmed with life. Nothing hard or taxing or difficult just everyday ordinary life. Is it just me or does it happen with anyone else? I feel guilty sometimes for thinking I have so much to do that I just don't want to do it. I would love to just sit and read my Bible and have the arms of my everlasting love wrapped snugly around me for days upon days.
But, you see I have a husband to love and submit to, children to train, day in and day out - and seriously it can be hard. I feel like a large amount of the training is on my shoulders as I am home all day with them. I have two teenagers...a future husband/daddy and a future wife/mommy to lead into life guiding them and letting go of them all at the same time. Knowing that I not only hold molding their future in my hands but the very future of their spouses and children. It is pressure. I also have laundry to do, dishes that need washing, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, bathrooms to clean, shopping for all the things no one notices until they are gone like food and toilet paper, bills to pay with a budget that fails often, meals to prepare, homework to supervise, homeschooling the teens, finding time to spend with each of my children daily and my husband (which may only be a quick trip to CVS). And that is only inside my own home. That does not take into account any extended family or church.
It is a lot. And sometimes it gets to me. I can make myself a pretty good helping of woe is me...so much to do so little time. And it is funny, if I pour myself into my family the way I know the Lord wants me to all the other "outward" appearances fall behind. If I keep up all the cleaning and such all the relationships fall apart. I can not do both...at least not both of them even to my standard at the same time. I admit it. And that is when the house falls apart and we have company who comes over at the last minute. Which I do love. I love me some company. But, for the first 15 minutes all I can think about is they are going to see me failing. I mean my only job is to be a wife and mother - a homemaker I wrestle with myself..they are probably thinking..."what does she do all day"..."how is her house this messy if she stays home"...and just for the record...the reason my house is messier is because I am home all day, which means so are my children...so I can not clean and leave the house to sit alone...it is used...every inch of it- all day, everyday by a minimum of 4 children. And then I remember...they may not be thinking that at all. In fact, that is me letting those thoughts keep people out of my home and therefore away from my heart. Because, if they can see my home this cluttered how in the world are they going to miss how dirty my heart feels sometimes. Disturbing, huh?
But, the Lord has a fabulous set up just for me...well, you too :) He brought this verse to me:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ~ Philippians 4:8
And so I begin...
I think...I know it is true that God loves me, cherishes me, wants what is best for me, wants me to bring glory to Him and has given me unique talents and gifts in which to do that. I know that the Holy Spirit is inside me -guiding me. I know He will never leave me or forsake me...ever. And that God's truth is the only truth which I should live my life by.
I think about how noble this whole life thing is actually meant to be. I mean seriously God has me here for a purpose. A purpose to carry out. He could have easily entrusted my work with someone else but He chose me for an appointed time and place to do His work. This blows my mind...all the time. And if my only job is to serve my family then I will do it...gladly with love and awe knowing it is what He wants for me.
I think about what is right...how to live...how to live and lean into righteousness. To know that I do have a model in which my behavior should line up with...Jesus. Him and Him alone.
I think about what is pure. How to respect the fact that little eyes are on my actions as much as my words...well, even more than my words. I must strive to live a pure life. Pure from things in which will not bring glory to the Lord. Whether it be a TV show, a type of music, a book or a conversation that can lead thoughts, then minds, then hearts down a path not intended for bringing Him glory.
I think about what is lovely. You know there is nothing more lovely in this entire life of mine than knowing I have a Savior. A Savior who not only loves me with all that he has but gave his very life for mine.
I think about what is admirable. Instead of sitting there thinking that my guests or friends or family are thinking..."what does she do all day" "why is she not achieving more with all the time she has". I think about how wonderful it is to have them. How cool it is that our paths are crossed. And then I think about what is good and honorable and admirable about them. It lifts my spirits to know that the Lord has allowed me to do life or cross life with some of the most wonderfully loving and compassionate people.
I know my life is excellent and praiseworthy. Not because of me but because of Him.
I praise Him and thank Him for my husband...all that that includes, a partner in life, a co-parent, a strong to my weak, a spiritual leader to our home, a provider.
I praise Him and thank Him for my children...all 4 of them and the laundry that I get to do and the dishes I get to wash and the crumbs I get to sweep and the teeny tiny pieces of cut up paper that I get to vacuum, the homework I get to hear, the schooling I get to be apart of, the meals that I am able to prepare for them, the molding of character I am entrusted to do, the love I am overwhelmed to be able to give.
I thank Him for allowing me to be a full time wife and mother. A teacher to our children. Who while I tend to get caught up on all the details of homeschooling and the knowledge they need for college -He has allowed me to pull back and pour His word and truths back into their lives...daily, and without interruption from friends, teachers or administrators. And that is huge. Really huge. I am truly thankful for not only the opportunity but for the confirmation.
I am not saying that I do this all the time. In fact, I may have had one of my weaker nights last night. It was a weight. I was choosing to bear it and the moment I let go and the thoughts of all that was on mind trickled away. The things on which I think not only affect me physically but emotionally and most of all spiritually.
Is my house any less cluttered this morning than last night. One word....no. I am not going to lie, a clean house brings just about as much joy to me as any one thing possibly could, other than people. But, I am going to focus my thoughts on those things that matter and not let myself be sucked under into this raging battle in my mind of so many things to do and not near enough time in the day to do any of them well -to the point that my mind and body want to go on strike. Because when that does happen...where is my heart? I mean, really...where is it? Not focusing on why I was created or who I am to be serving or who I am to be loving. Who actually wins this battle? Not me. The darkness that would like to bind me up with thoughts and things and keep my mind off of Jesus. Darkness wins. And well...I think it has won long enough around here. You can have my house but you'll have to have fight for my heart. Isn't that what this is all really about? Well, for me...yes. I think so. Oh, and enemy...the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has my back...just so ya know :)
I know for some of you, you may think I have gone and lost it. But the thoughts were pouring out and I couldn't stop or edit them. So, if you think I may need to be medicated...you may be right. But I am going to tell you there is nothing more spiritually freeing than to have the Word of God bring you back around from what felt like a heavy burden. It is a shot in my heart of the best medicine.
And finally, to my guests last night, you know who you are. I love y'all and am sorry you had to see me like that. I knew immediately I was due for some unloading and could hardly hold it in. So thankful the Lord gave me you two in such special way :)
