Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sick to My Heart...is that possible?

I know the saying is sick to my stomach...and I am that...nauseous, literally sick.

I went by Best B*y today and picked up our retrieved photos. Knowing pretty well they had recouped all the ones of the first days we were with Love. Those days, especially the first day we met hold meaning like the day your child is born. Those photos are irreplaceable.

I am excited, I pull out the cds and load them. We only have from the day we flew home from China until now. Which is well worth the $460 it cost to retrieve them. But, my heart is sick that we have lost those most precious first moments on film. We had several videos and 1,000s of photos of our 2 weeks in China forming our new family. Breaks. My. Heart.

I have tried to look at this from another perspective. And thought, all of her past is gone...even the very hours she became our daughter...gone, at least anything physical she would ever be able to see or look back on as she grows up, gone. It is odd to me that the photos pick up the day we leave China...as a family, heading to her new country, her new home...that is all we have, a few photos that day and then some photos on the airplane and then us being welcomed by friends and family at the airport.

But, no matter which way I try to spin it to make it positive...it just seriously makes me sick...my heart hurts, I feel sick to my stomach.....just sick. Maybe I am overreacting, I don't know. But, when you have such a limited view (if any at all) into how you entered this world and what journey brought you to your forever family, those memories captured on film may be extremely important. The first time I saw her, the first time I held her...how Big Daddy held her in his arms and the tears in his eyes. How he bounced her on his knee and sang to her...how she would throw herself back and giggle -the immediate connection she shared with Hope. How she took to Big Daddy right off...she knew she could trust him, you could see it the way she looked at him. The way she threw a wall eyed fit when he left us for a few minutes. Even all the photos we took of her province, the time we spent those first days really falling head over heels in love with her...gone.

So, one plea...if you are reading this and traveled with us and have ANY photos with Love in them...please, I beg you to contact us. We would love even a glimpse of her. If we sent you any pictures (to our family and friends) would you take a minute and look through them and let us know what, if anything, you have that we could 'copy' from you? I am so trying not to make this about me...really, I am. But, y'all it is. It is about my baby girl, it is about the day she was essentially born into our family. It just breaks me.

I know there are so many things people are experiencing right now that are far worse than losing photos...people have lost everything in fires, lost the chance to make new memories with spouses, children or parents who have past...that time would be worth all the photos...I know that. I know in the grand scheme of things...those photos are still just material possessions. But, just for a little while, I am going to allow myself to ache for those wonderfully exciting, completely exhaustive, heart wrenching and heart mending memories that were captured for us to look back on as Love grows up and as we grow old. Call me selfish...

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